Sunday Arrival at SpiritRest

Post by Jerilyn Harris, spiritual director

Sunday: arrival

We have just closed the evening circle and the silence has begun. I have participated in silent retreats many times before so I assumed it would be easy. However, I was surprised to find that I felt a tinge of panic. Dismayed, I started to feel shame and wanted to freak out, but I knew that, as the Buddhist saying goes, what you resists, persists.  

Rather than shun or shame the feeling I gently accepting the panic, welcoming her in like an old friend who was sad and desperate and had something to say.

From there, I set an intention: to spend my time in silence seeing what the panic 

needed and if I could give something to her through love and compassion that would soothe her. (When I stop and invite in feelings of fear or panic, I find that there is often something there that wants to be born; something that has been ignored, perhaps for too long.)

This is what silence does. It gives me the space to hear from parts of me I have been ignoring by being busy with life. I have found that I often build a wall around my deepest desires and maintain them with the shoulds and ought to’s that I often rely upon to get through the day.

When I am silent, my desires are amplified, and this helps me remember that all of me needs love and attention.

Recognizing and accepting my desires is not to be confused with giving myself anything I think I want or need. No, the deep listening that happens when my fears arise is an interactive play that I get to write as I open to the deepest longings of my being.

These longings take time and perseverance to find. They are the connection to Divine longings that I carry within me always. They are important and necessary for love to flourish in the world. That is why they need so much time, so much reflection, so much tenderness.

I am ready to meet these longings, here in the quiet places that live beneath the fear and panic. I am grateful for the time and space to meet all of me, and move inward with deep compassion for myself and all that is.
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See you on the other side...